Soccer Sucks

Honestly.. it sucks.  The real problem about the sport is that every single fan of it tries to explain to everyone who hates it that they “just don’t get it.”  Actually, its hockey with a few differences:  1.  Instead of using blade to balance on ice, they run/walk.  All humans do that.   2.  Instead of shooting at a 4 foot goal they shoot at a goal about 2 tractor trailors long.   3.  In hockey you can actually do something besides run.. you can actually hit someone without a whole European country crying.  (Same reason we had to settle WWII.)  4.  Yea I just said that… if you have a problem we will fight… just like in hockey… (You saw what we did in WWII.) 

No but seriously… its awesome when a 2 hour game ends in a tie.  Pussies

Oh. Hello there.

Sooo welcome to our blog.  Ever since Pat has left the Phillies times have been tough.  Gas prices have dropped because no one wants to leave their houses.  Fallout 3 is the coolest game since… well it’s just damn cool.  BumHo Lee might be the silliest name in the World Baseball Classic.  

Fuck.  I’m sorry, but I have just been trying to butter everyone up for what I am about to say.

In the 8th inning of the USA vs. Puerto Rico game today, I rooted heartily against Phillies reliever J.C. Romero.  Not only is this sacrilegous, but it is even compounded by the fact that the poor guy is being suspended for taking something he bought from GNC, while A-Rod is allowed to continue playing after admitting that he took drugs that made him produce the best numbers of his career.  I feel as though I was able to repent by rooting for Victorino in the 9th (once again against Romero) who hit a single.  Rollins also went on to draw a walk.   Then it happened:  I cheered for a Mets player.  Luckily, it was the one who is actually classy, and he also did win the game for us.

Dustin Pedroia is upset that MLB The Show says he can’t hit the high and inside fastball.  If he would just tip his head back 3 degrees his nostrils would definitly suck the pitch in.

Best quote about the Eagles

Merrill Reese during the final game of the season “We are not drunk.  This is accurate.”

It’s fucking 1 degree(s)? out right now

It is cold as fuck.  I’m really pissed that the 64 year old quarterback of the Cardinals doesn’t have to actually experience the thing that is known as “weather”.  I have been reading all week how this is going to be such a good game blah blah blah.  Top three defenses in the NFL?   Steelers, Ravens, Eagles.   Sorry, but just because the Cards got their running game going (Eddgerin James had 50 yards I think?)  it’s not gonna make a difference.   The other two teams they played in the postseason were worried about 2 weeks ahead, not the game at hand.   I love how excited Cards fans are, it seriously is so much fun to watch you guys actually get excited about a sporting event, but honestly… maybe next year… er 3 years later.  Eagles are gonna house you.

Philly owns NY, part 2

Well the Eagles once again told Eli Manning to stop acting like his brother and kicked the Giants out of the playoffs.  Unfortunately, there were no sightings of Dawkins doing his superman/knocking the ball out of the quarterbacks hand, but when the hardest hitting safety in football cries after the game, I’d be slightly concerned about the level of his intensity.  Asante also reminded everyone why we paid his dreadlocks so much, and Carrottop got jacked so no one would talk shit anymore… to his face. 

To be totally honest there was no Yukon drank today, but the amount of alcohol that was consumed the night before kinda made up for it.  Two of us decided that it was a good idea to play Mortal Kombat vs. Marvel (or whatever pussy superheros they were… Baraka owned them) and finish a handle of vodka within a four hour period.  

Today at 4pm, my skull was still reminding me that it was a bad idea.  Besides… I had work, and although we here at the Slut are booze fueled sex machines, drinking shots of Yukon at work while watching a live feed of the game is just in the next realm of badass.  It’s not that I couldn’t drink Yukon at work, and trust me I want to drink Yukon at work… but it only takes one uptight asshole to get upset that the person waiting on them is hammered off of 100 proof alcohol on 2 o clock on a Sunday.

I do promise all of our Eagles fans out there who will undoubtedly E-mail us furious about us not drinking Yukon and letting the game ride on fate one thing:  we will make up for this!  Just look at the image below and pretend instead of milk it is Yukon Jack and instead of a black female it is a crazed Philadelphia sports fan with a gorgeous smile and a tight bod.  Then after, pretend its us.

This just in

In an exclusive interview that Pat would only do for us here at the slut we have found out the real reason he signed with the Rays

“Well… I’m not really sure guys.  All I know is that last time I hung out with those guys I got really drunk and got to lead the parade.  And well, I like to party so it was an easy choice.”  

You heard it here first.

Whoa

So as I was just writing the last post I saw an advertisement for a movie that I watched online for free like 2 months ago… but it isn’t out until January 30th.  I dunno.  Anyways, Watch-movies.net is the best site in history.  Your welcome

Life after Burrell: Day 1

Can’t really blame him right?  The phils offered him 2 years 22, he said “Fuck that, i’d rather 6 million less so i can tear up my old stomping ground in florida.” 

oh fuck yea

Seriously, the dude pulled chicks easily in Philly.  He is a legend in the Miami area though.  I think these lyrics will say what Pat thought when deliberating where to go.

I was born to run,
I was born to dream,
The craziest boy you ever seen,
I gotta do it my way,
Or no way at all.

And I was here to please,
Im even on knees
Makin love to whoever I please,
I gotta do it my way,
Or no way at all.

And then you came around,
Tried to tie me down,
I was such a clown,
You had to have it your way,
Or no way at all.

Well Ive had all I can take,
I cant take it no more,
Im gonna pack my bags and fly……baby,
Or no way at all.

So why dont you turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
I gotta do it my way,
Or no way at all.

Why dont you turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
I gotta do it my way,
I wanna fly.

Im here to please,
Im even on my knees,
Makin love to whoever I please,
I gotta do it my way,
I gotta do it my way,
And when you came around,
You tried to tie me down,
I was such a clown,
You had to have it your way,
Well Im sayin no way,

So why dont you turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
I gotta do it my way,
Or no way at all.

Why dont you turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
Turn me lose,
I gotta do it my way,
I wanna fly.

I Like My Girls Like I Like My Summers…No Class

Where have all the class-less girls gone?

Guess who just arrived in town

 

1995 and 1996 were clearly the years for movies dealing with primates. “Ed “in 1996 taught us that heroes come in all shapes, and all sizes. Congo (1995) taught us that apes could be both intelligent and evil. Let’s not forget 1995′s “Born to be Wild”, where a teenage boy and female gorilla’s near bestiality captured all our hearts. However, not since the original “Planet of Apes” has a movie captivated our attention, and made us feel what it’s like to be a monkey. “Dunston Checks In” set the bar for years to come.

Sam the orangutan’s performance as Dunston is both hilarious and heartbreaking. Blockbuster actors such as Ben Affleck and James Franco could learn a lesson or two from Sam. You think Ben Affleck was emotional when he said “I love you” to Bruce Willis in Armageddon? Think again. When Sam looks at the picture of him and his now dead brother, his expression alone brings a tear to ones eye. You think James Franco was in pain in Spider-Man 2 when he realized his best friend was the man who killed his father? Try watching Sam when he is getting a piece of glass torn from his flesh. Sam’s connection with the audience is so great you almost feel the glass being ripped from your own hand.

This is not to mention the other wonderful qualities this movie has. Amazing slapstick comedy, alcoholic older women, Jason Alexander cursing, Faye Dunaway’s fall from grace, an orangutan spanking a prominent socialite, and a cameo from Paul Reubens that can only be explained with two words: Oscar worthy.

The fact that this film did not win any Academy Awards is shocking. Five for sure: Paul Reubens beating out Cuba Gooding Jr. and James Woods for Best Supporting Actor, “Dunston Checks In” narrowly defeating “The English Patient” for Best Picture, Ken Kwapis for Best Director, Best Music Robert Blackwell, and lastly, a landslide victory for Sam, the orangutan for Best Actor. It is criminal that the Academy shafted this great film in 1996 with no Oscars and zero nominations.

Although it was given no Oscars this much can be certain: it set the standard and paved the way for future primate movies. Where would MVP: Most Vaulable Primate and MXP: Most Xtreme Primate be without Dunston Checks In? In some Hollywood executive’s trash, that’s where. Because of pioneer movies like “Dunston Checks In” movies like MVP and MXP enjoy much commercial success. So grab your kids, round up the neighbor, pop some popcorn, and get ready to laugh, and cry at one of the best movies in the last twenty years: “Dunston Checks In”.